Presentation: Peter Lintz

You can call me Peter Lintz. This is a pseudonym because I, for many reasons, prefare to be anonymous. Here below follows a presentation of me. To present oneself includes, in normal cases, that you tell a little about yourself, for example, what you’ve done and what you’re interested in. But because this is an esoteric homepage, I also have chosen to go a little deeper. The presentation below contains, for that reason, not only information about what I’ve done in my life, but also information about what has happened, and still happens, in my spiritual and emotional life.

The childhood
I was born in November 1961 in the town of Karlskrona in Sweden. My childhood probably passed by in a normal way. No unusual things happened in the everyday life, so to say. But with my inner life, my soul, everything was different. This is something I’ve come to understand afterwards. I had serious problems to live an adjustable life in the world, and I looked upon the world as very scary. I was frightened by many things which, in time, changed me in a negative way. I became a scared little boy that almost never talked to anybody about my problems.

One thing that frightened me was that people could be mean. My first thought about that was that it wasn’t true. Nobody could be like that, and they probably understood better. I guessed that it was some kind of game, and in reality they weren’t that evil. But in time I understood that a human being could be as wicked as he gave sight of, and that frightened me very much. I was exceptionally frightened by war and all cruelty that was related to it. I couldn’t find any security in this world.

Another thing that frightened me was diseases. You could become ill, get all kind of nasty things that there were no cure for: deforming diseases, paralysing diseases, cancer, parasites and so on. The list was long, and I was very scared. I felt agony just by looking at ill people. I also felt the same about wounded and deformed people. I felt very bad about seeing things like that.

In view of what’s mentioned above, I really didn’t turn out to be a tough guy. As a child I rather turned out to be vulnerable and lonely. I didn’t feel that I could get enough comfort and support from my parents or any other grown up. People didn’t know anything, and they seemed to be contented with that. But the lack of knowledge frightened me.

Among children in my own age, there often existed behaviour of being tough and hard. I couldn’t get along with that. For example, I didn’t understand the human behaviour of “paying back” if anyone beat me. I had problems to protect myself in any way, which troubled my parents very much, and they thought that there was something wrong with me. They didn’t understand why I couldn’t be - in their eyes - normal. Why couldn’t I pay back, stand up for myself and be a little tough? But I didn’t understand how to be like that, or why I should behave like that. I always felt very bad about unfriendly situations, and I wanted to escape from everything.

What’s mentioned above are only some examples of the difficulties I had growing up in this world. Of course I had more difficulties, in many areas of human life. But I had also subjects of rejoicing. We shouldn’t forget about those. I was a lover of beauty, and already as a child I loved beautiful women very much and very intense. They became as Goddesses for me. Because they were so beautiful on the outside I was convinced that they also were in possession of a divine and loving goodness. By time I however got the experience that outer beauty not always represented inner beauty, and that made me confused. In this world could even the one who were ugly on the outside, be good on the inside. I didn’t understand how that was possible. But by time I have assimilated a more realistic picture of human being, and now I look in particular deeper than the skin of a person.

Another great subject of rejoicing for me was the nature. I loved to stroll around in endless forests, play, climb, run, and so on. In the forests I was a real wildman. My desire for adventure and discovering was enormous. My family always spent the summer seasons at our summerhouse at the coast of Blekinge, in southern Sweden. Here I had access to the forests and the sea.  I was very happy at this place.

As a child I was very eager to learn. I loved to get knowledge, especially in different areas of science. The area that fascinatend me most of all, was astronomy. I could sit down with my books about the Universe all evening, and then go out in the dark just to study the star spangled sky at night. The Universe was so vast, so fantastic and incomprehensible. Even though I didn’t understand it, I was happy with its great mystery. It touched something deep within me.

My attraction for imagination was great, and I loved cartoons with superheroes: Superman, Tarzan, The Phantom, and so on. I could disappear into these fantasy worlds for long times. My parents were sometimes worried because I digged too deep into my worlds of imagination. I also loved science fiction and films about adventures. I loved everything that was an adventure. My models for perfection were muscular good and heroic men. In my imagination I wanted to become one of those when I became an adult.

Very early I also started to love music. My love for music has persisted through the years and has always been a great source of joy for me.

As a child I pondered about the mysteries of existence, but no one could give me a satisfactory answer. My father was a spiritualist and from him I very early assimilated the existential safety that life is eternal; what we call death is only a transformation, a journey into another world. And so we reincarnate again.

In spite of my father’s wisdom, I was affected by anxiety in periods as a child. The answers I got weren’t enough. What was life? What was the meaning of everything? Why did we live? I sometimes got hard attacks of agony because I didn’t know or understand. From time to time this resulted in obsessions. No adult seemed to understand me, and no one could give me the answers. I had to live with that.

Then the time came to go to nursery school. What I remember most of all about that was that I felt ridiculous about many things we did there. I didn’t get on well. I also discovered some kind of falseness, both among adult people and among people of my own age. I couldn’t accept it. I often withdrew, wanted to be alone. I became aggressive against adult people or people of my own age. I was considered to be a problem child.

The first years in the comprehensive school passed without any real problems. I was a quiet and kind little boy, but sometimes a little bit rowdy. In the third year problems occurred. I got a teacher I didn’t like. The consequence of this was that I became disobedient and aggressive. That behaviour, together with my already noticed inaccessibility, resulted in the decision that I was sent to a psychiatric clinic for children. I passed a two day investigation, which just ended up in the conclusion that there was nothing wrong with me. The only problem was that I was angry at quite a lot of people. This was solved with pills. In this way a child’s problems was solved at that time. Maybe it’s still done in that way.

When I was nine years old my father got cancer. He died just before I became ten. This increased my agony about illness and death to an even higher level. Now illness and death had crawled as close to me as possible. The tears I never cried as a child (it is said that boys shouldn’t cry), I later in life has cried many times at therapeutic courses and sessions.

Youth-Adult life
When I became a teenager the mates of my own age started to have an interest in women and sex. But I experienced the sexuality I saw around me as very rough. I couldn’t find any pleasure in it. We watched pornographic movies and looked in pornographic papers, but I felt awful about it. I experienced it as vapid and soul denying. It made me feel only emptiness and disgust.

The result of this clash between my inner feelings and the sexuality I saw, was that I thought there was something really wrong with me, also in the realms of sex. What I didn’t understand then was that ordinary rough sexuality didn’t get along with my soul. The experiences I have made later in my life, has tought me that I need a sexuality more in contact with the soul, more deep (or high), more loving, more in contact with what I call spiritual beauty. There has been a long journey to come to this understanding, because I in my youth blamed myself to be wrong in all these many ways. Through this journey I have also learned that the sexuality I came in touch with by that pornography, gave me a wrong view of sexuality in general. It was agreeable for a small part of reality, but far from all (thanks for that). There are several more individuals than me, that wish to live a life closer to the soul, the realms where we discover a deeper contact with each other.

Another behaviour that couldn’t satisfy me was this ordinary thing of, so to say, having a serious relationship with a woman. Every time I tried to relate a little deeper with a woman, I felt suppressed, like in a prison. I also didn’t have any desire to, in the future, have children or a family. (Even now, as an adult, I have no desire for that). Naturally I thought, when I was a young man, that there was something seriously wrong with me. But later in life, I have come to understand that my point of “no desire for a family life” probably is normal. My circumstances can be found and explained as something completely normal on the evolutionary path for the soul through life (the lives)

Because of what’s mentioned above, my self esteem was very bad when I was young. It has required many years to build it up again.

As a young man I had conflicts with drugs and alcohol. I used drugs as most of my friends. But as I grew a little older I became more and more sensitive to alcohol. Drinking caused bad feelings. When I was 25 it came to an end, and I quit absorbing alcohol in large quantities. Nowadays I use it only in very small quantities sometimes.

I went for sports all my time as a young man. I started with wrestling when I was 12 years old. This continued until I was 20. Then I started boxing and continued until I was 24. After that I trained jiu jitsu until I was 26. Then it came to a natural end for me of fighting sports. During all this time I also trained my physical strength and condition, which I have continued to do since then. I experience a sort of emotional satisfaction when I’m in good physical shape (this training of fighting sports may have been some kind of revenge because I had difficulties to defend myself as a little boy)

View-finding, employments, interests
I was in for spiritual view-finding all my time as a teenager and as a young adult. I’m still a spiritual view-finder, but these days on a completely different level. During my journey I have found key after key which have opened door after door to my inner self. Over time, this has given me more understanding of myself, which also have developed my self esteem.

When I was 19 years old I found Martinus Cosmology (A description of the eternal life written by the Danish author Martinus), and I studied this with diligence during ten years of time. When I was 24 years old I again came in contact with spiritualism, which I had lost contact with after the age of 11 when my father died. Under the management of spiritualism I went on for course after course during a period of many years, and I met mediums, healers, and many others, in my opinion interesting people. I also read many books, tried to acquire knowledge both from eastern and western teachings. During this time I also, for the first time, came in contact with esoteric books. But at that time I didn’t understand much of the esoteric teachings. It seemed too complicated for me.

Around the age of 30 I came in contact with some other type of courses. This was therapeutic courses in self development. At these courses you looked deep into yourself, to discover and understand why you had become the one you had become, and how you could become the one you really are (would like to be). These courses were a turning point in my life. They helped me to find the way that leads me in the right direction, which means inwards, towards the core of life that exists in the center of my being. After that, the rest of my journey has only been a way of strengthening what I found in connection to these courses. At 2005 I came in contact with the esoteric teachings again, but then in the form of a study circle, which was what I needed to be able to, more easily, put myself into it.

In the eighties I was a forest worker. In the late eighties I had some years when I was very much abroad. I was at kibbutz in Israel and at national parks in the USA, worked as a volunteer, and travelled around. During these summers I was home in Sweden and worked at a course estate owned by a Swedish spiritualistic association. These years were also some kind of view finding for me.

The year after I had finished my abroad journeys I moved to Västerås (a town about 500 kilometres to the North of my hometown Karlskrona), and started to work with old and handicapped people (the nineties). I worked with this for four years. After that I moved to Örebro (a town about 100 kilometres to the West from Västerås) and started a job with mentally disarded and autistic people, which I worked with for three years. After that work I studied at komvux (a Swedish school for grown up people) for two years. Then I moved to another town and educated myself towards a new profession (the new century)

Because I’ve made a choice to remain anonymous, I can’t say where I live or exactly what kind of profession I have. But I can reveal as much as to say that my job is about human being, healthcare and development. Nowadays I can say that my job is my interest. I experience that I have found a path in my life that feels meaningful for me. Besides my work I am also interested in writing. I like to write prose and poetry and I have occupied myself with this a little now and then, as a hobby, since the late eighties. I am also a lover of nature, and among other natural beauties, I love the Swedish mountain scenery. I like to exercise, just to keep myself in fair shape. For the rest I am probably as most people are; like to meet good friends over a cup of coffee, like to see a good movie, and so on.

Yet I’m different in many areas of life. One of those I can mention here. I seldom like to go to party places, disco, and simular places (what we in Sweden call “to go out”). In an environment like that I often get on so badly that I suffer. I notice how people poison themselves (drugs), consume junk food, act according to memorised behaviour or, so to say, appear as false personalities. Besides that the volume of the music is often so high that you can’t have a conversation. I can’t understand the pleasure of an environment like that. People say that’s to have a party. For me that’s not a party, it’s decadence and destruction. I feel bad to see circumstances like that. Party is for me healthy food, loving communication, and things that heal the soul.

What I believe is unique with me is that I have been so far down at the bottom of bad self esteem. During the later part of my period as a teenager, my esteem was so bad that I had difficulties to do simple things like: go to the grocery store, go to the bank, the post office, and so on. Nor could I have a conversation with a woman without getting embarrassed (especially if she was beautiful). Because of this, I have, during the years (until today 2009 and onward) made it my lifestyle to raise myself up again. The longer I keep on going, the more I notice that I have left to heal. But the journey is happy and interesting. I’m looking for my own identity, the one that I can only find myself. Others may be able to help me on my way, but only I can make the connection.

My life journey has given me invaluable insights. Now I know that I was never wrong, like I thought when I was young. The wrong thing was that I listened too much to the opinions from the world around me, and too little to my own inner truth. It misled me and gave me a feeling of maladjustment. My journey back has tought me too look at existence in another way than most people do. I also understand that I often need to keep quiet about what I see, wait until people are mature enough to be open and receptive. Of course, this gives a feeling of loneliness. I live in a reality that most people don’t even believe in. But patience is the virtue of love, and with that comes the wisdom that stupidity has its own time, and wisdom has its own.

My experiences
Already as a child I had a lot of "strange" experiences that neither I nor any adults understood. I got the normal answers, that I dreamt or had such a vivid imagination I couldn´t separate reality from fantasy. This made me terrified, since I thought I was ill or going crazy. I got afraid of my experiences, resulting in them subsiding during the years, and completely stop at the age of 8-10. My fear made me close myself.

In my twenties the experiences started coming back and now I was more able to handle them. Since then, I´ve had numerous of experiences of many kinds, and it would be impossible to describe even a small part of them here. Most of my experiences are still incomprehensible. Some of them are so hard to understand, that I can´t even find words to describe them.

As I have started to study the esoterics, it feels as an important help to understand more of my experiences, and find out who I really am. I have to know what I am supposed to do, to be of some use, and for that I have to know who I am and what makes me tick. To lovingly be able to serve life, is possibly my goal, as far as I´ve understood today.

The experiences I try to formulate in this forum, are in the most possible way only descriptions and not interpretations. They are described the best way I know how. I have consciously tried to avoid evaluating them. My wish is to keep everything as open and objective as possible. The reader can, by own wish, try to evaluate, and from an esoteric point of view explain them.

Recollections, places
Inside myself I have a special kind of memories, and they seem to get more and more clear the older I become, and the more I find out about myself. Some of these memories are put under appearance from the experiences I’ve described. But there are many more, divided, fragmentary, pictures of recollections, that I can’t find words to describe. I don’t even know if they really are memories, or some kind of consciousness about places that exist somewhere. Maybe they are only fantasies (But what is fantasy then?) The future may bring me the answer.

What I can say about these “memories” is that they describe happy and fantastic places, places with a greater view of the eternal life panorama. These places are so happy that it’s impossible to imagine them, for the one who never has experienced them. They have to be experienced, otherwise not understandable. The most sunny days of our earthly life is, in comparison, like a shadow land without knowledge or eyesight. This gives a perspective about life, but also hope. If these recollections are truth, then we dwell in some kind of secondary existence here. The primary existence is so much greater.

There are also a number of places or worlds which I seem to return to, time by time in dreams or out of body experiences. These places are of another kind than the recollections mentioned above, and some of them are put under appearance by my described experiences. These places can be everything from dark and a little scary, to bright and happy. I usually recognize both places, and some people I meet there. These people feels like old friends and the places like well known worlds. But one can never know what’s real.

Peter Lintz 090421